Sam's Torment
by goldenspringtime
Summary: Psychological torture done to Sam in the Cage
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.

Summary: Psychological torture done to Sam in the Cage. Related to Sam's punishment but it's not necessary to read it in order to understand this.

Was there ever anything before the pain? It was hard to remember if there was. It seemed like he been born here, that this was all there had ever had been. Memories from his old life had started fading away, even when Lucifer wore the faces of people he had cared about, he couldn't seem to remember them. They seemed like fairy tales people he had made up, the life he had made up to believe there was something other then here other then pain.

Dean... he knew Dean meant something.. something important but he forgotten a while ago what it was. Lucifer talked he knew that distantly, but he no longer heard what Lucifer said, he no longer even tried to scream because this was his life this was his existence. The pain had striped everything else away, there was only one thing anymore and that was pain everlasting pain.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural (Also some of the following is taken directly from Supernatural and I don't own it either. )

In the last little while he had been stabbed to death, shot, hang, put through a wood chipper and then set on fire and then suddenly he was here. He was no longer strapped to a table anymore, it had taken him a long time to become aware that he was here, because he must have found some place in his head that he could hide away from the pain. He wished he could go back to where ever it was, but for the moment he was alone and whole. He looked around and saw he was in a white expanse that went on forever in all directions. There was nothing visibly supporting him but such was the nature of the cage.

"Hiya Sammy, good your up, it became very boring when you became unresponsive. So I figured, since you bored with the old ways, we could try something new, something a little harder to hide from huh?"Lucifer was smiling at him he hated that smile it never meant anything good.

"So I bet your wondering what this new experience will be like? Well for me I think it's going to be fun, and you might even prefer it to the torture you've been going through for the last 125 years or so. Now you know what heaven is, you've been there, so I want to try something similar only better." Dread was at full force now.

"So I want to start you off easy so I can enjoy this for as long as I can. The good news though no more cutting, dicing, slicing, chopping or boiling, at least not for awhile... the bad news is you might prefer it after this. We should get started, time's a wasting. Lights! Camera! Action!"Lucifer was gone and the white expanse was gone as well. The white expanse slowly started swirling the colors dark, and they finally settled.

"Whoa, easy, tiger." Sam gasped and starred at Dean in the dim lighting. Dean he missed Dean so much, or he had until Lucifer had started shuffling all his emotions and memories and anything that could possibly hurt him into the back of his mind. Was he real?

"Dean!" Sam shouted just as a similar voice said.

"Dean?" Dean laughed. That' s when Sam recognized a body underneath Dean's and saw his own eyes. He took in the scene a little bit more, although it was dim he still knew this place. It was his and Jess's apartment, there was two times his brother had been in his apartment that he knew of and he knew it wasn't the other time, this must be the night the night that everything changed.

"You scared the crap out of me!" Memory Sam shouted. He remembered how he had felt back then, even though it was years ago. He hadn't wanted to show Dean how glad he was that he was here, didn't want to show him how much he had missed him, and how not talking to him back then had bothered him, but it had been his decision to go, to leave Dean to try to have a normal life. Besides the fact that he had been worried that Dean was there to try to wrestle him back into the life.

Sam starred at the rest of the room for a moment, though he couldn't see it too well in the dark, he hardly remembered how his apartment had looked so long ago. It wasn't important though, no what was important was his brother and Jess who was in the other room but would soon come out if he remembered correctly.

"That's 'cause you're out of practice." Dean said. He had grown out of the practice of protecting his environment, of putting salt lines down and putting protection sigals up, if he had then Jessica would have been protected. Suddenly Memory Sam and Deans positions were reversed.

"Or not."

"Get off me." Memory Sam pulled himself and Dean into a standing position.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Well, I was looking for a beer." Dean he looked so young so carefree that had lasted about all of five seconds. He was here to tell him that their dad had gone missing, though in reality he had just left Dean. Not to mention, when they had rejoined on more permanent basis he had been grieving and worrying Dean. Of course if he knew his brother it was probably a mask. His brother hadn't wanted him to leave, the night of the fight between him and his Dad, Dean had begged him to stay. Sam hadn't wanted to hunt so he had left Dean and his Dad. Just because he had left hadn't meant he didn't miss them though.

"What the hell are you doing here? "

"Okay. All right. We gotta talk." The scene started swirling again that was it? That was all he got to see? What was the point of this? Making him miss his brother even more then he already did? The scene settled again and Sam found himself on the side of a road, heading towards a blond girl sitting at the side of said road. Of course he would recognize her even with her back turned it was Meg listening to music.

"Hey." his memory self said she hadn't heard him over the music.

He wished he could warn his memory self not to get involved, but it wouldn't make a difference, he couldn't change what was going to happen. Couldn't change the fact that his hand was reaching to her shoulder that he willingly touching her. Meg jumped and took her headphones off.

" You scared the hell outta me. "Meg said looking the part of someone freaked out, she had probably been watching him staking him out just waiting until he left Dean. Another pang he had left Dean, he knew that Dean always felt like he was being left behind and he left him behind yet again for Azazel. He had hated the yellow-eyed demon, really hated it for what it had to Mom and Jess and eventually for infecting him with demon blood. This had been close to Jessica's death, all the guilt he felt about seeing it and not doing anything to stop it, had taken him to a place where all he wanted to do was kill Azazel.

He still shouldn't have left Dean though, Dean had raised him had been his mom, dad and best friend all at the same time. He being the ungrateful person he was, had just kept shoving it in his face, saying he wasn't good enough, wasn't strong enough and ultimately betraying him

"I'm sorry. I just thought you might need some help." the only person that had needed help was the human Meg inside. The one who had been screaming at him that it wasn't her, and he hadn't heard her at all, he had been interested in was the fact that she was attractive and that he liked to help people.

" No, I'm good, thanks."

" Uh, so where you headed?" memory Sam asked.

" No offense, but no way I'm telling you. "Meg said like she with her demonic strength couldn't take him, he now remembered his anger with the demon. She had ridden him, she had had him kill a hunter and shot Dean and had kidnapped Jo to use as bait for Dean.

" Why not? " He had thought she was cute that's why he had started talking with her, Sam felt disgusted with himself for ever thinking that.

" You could be some kind of freak. I mean, you are hitchhiking." he was a freak but she was a demon.

"Well, so are you." memory Sam laughed, oblivious to the fact that Meg would possess him, shoot Dean, try to kill Bobby, and then kill Ellen and Jo. Meg laughed playing her part perfectly, but Sam still should have seen through it. Who meets someone at the side of the road anyways? A white van hooked and pulled over.

"Need a ride? " a van driver asked.

"Yeah. " Both memory Sam and Meg had answered.

" Just her. I ain't takin' you." the van driver said to him and Meg gathered her stuff and got into the van.

"You trust shady van guy and not me? " Memory Sam had asked Meg.

" Definitely." The van drove away. Sam wondered if the van driver had survived the trip, he probably didn't want to know the answer. The scene swirled again this time showing memory Sam was on a porch, a unfamiliar porch, memory Sam was knocking on said door and then he said.

"Mr. Resnick? Ronald Resnick?" So this was Ronald house? It had only been three years but he didn't remember it. A bright flood light came on making it difficult to make anything out, Memory Sam and Dean shielded their eyes and Sam did too even though it probably didn't matter if he did it or not.

"Son of a b-" Dean said then he could see Ron standing on the other side of the screen door.

"FBI, Mr. Resnick." Memory Sam said.

"Let me see the badge" Memory Sam and Dean pull out their fake badges and put them against the screen door, Ronald look at them then said.

"I already gave my statement to the police. "

"Yeah, listen Ronald, uh . . . just some things about your statement we wanted to get some clarification on. "Dean asked.

"You read it?"Ronald asked.

"Sure did." Dean said.

"And you want to listen to what I've got to say?"Ronald said.

"Well, that's why we're here. "

"Well. Come on in." Ronald had given them all the information they had needed to do the case. Sam had told him straight out that there was nothing weird going on, he had thought he was protecting him, but Ronald had been obsessed, he wouldn't have let it go. Maybe if he had just told him the truth, he wouldn't have tried to take care of it himself and gotten himself killed.

The scene changed again they were looking at a door, which opened to reveal Pamela. Yet another person he had gotten killed just by knowing them, he was sensing a pattern here.

"Bobby!" Pamela said she grabbed him into a hug and lifted him for a short time off the ground. Sam and Dean shared a look.

"You're a sight for sore eyes". Bobby said. Sore eyes, soon after this she had no eyes, from seeing Castiel in his natural state. Pamela stepped back and looked Sam and Dean up and down appraising.

"So, these the boys?" Pamela said.

"Sam, Dean. This is Pamela Barnes, best damn psychic in the state. " Bobby said.

"Hey." Dean said flirting.

"Hi." Sam said.

"Mmm-mmm-mmm. Dean Winchester. Out of the fire and back in the frying pan, huh? Makes you a rare individual." Pamela said.

"If you say so." Dean said.

"Come on in." Pamela said. She should have known even back then the Winchesters had a pattern and everyone who knew them who helped them ended up dead.

The scene changed again and Sam recognized the place after a few moments. It was the roadhouse. Memory Sam had his hands on his head and heard Dean say

"Sam! Need some help in here."and muttering something he couldn't understand. as memory Sam went through the door he could suddenly see Dean.

"Sorry, Dean, I can't right now. I'm a... little tied up."Memory Sam nodded his head backwards. He remembered that Ellen had been holding a handgun pointed to his head, but he couldn't see it. He saw Dean covering his nose.

"Sam? Dean? Winchester?" Ellen asked. He starred at Ellen and Jo they were alive, well at least in his memory he could see them so clearly.

"Yeah." Dean and Memory Sam said.

"Son of a bitch."

"Mom, you know these guys?" Jo asked.

"Yeah, I think these are John Winchesters boys. " she lowered her gun, laughing."Hey, I'm Ellen. This is my daughter Jo." Jo also lowered her rifle and Dean smiled at her. That was their first mistake not shooting them on the spot , because of him Jo, Ellen and Ash were all dead, he guessed that why Lucifer was showing him this memory, the memory that started their relationship and ended up in their deaths.

Scene change again to a hotel room, Memory Sam and Dean had just busted in a motel and Memory Sam started looking for something

"Any sign of it?" Dean asked.

"Nothing." Memory Sam said. "You sure this is Bela room?" Bela, okay now he got where this one was, this was Bela setting them up and being in jail until a bunch of demons had had come after them, wanting them dead. Dean brought out two wigs a blond and brunette one.

"I'd say so." the phone started ringing and after a few moments Dean had answered it.

"Where are you?" Sam couldn't hear Bela's side of the conversation. "Where?" Dean repeated. It didn't matter where she was now, she'd be dead in months, he never really felt all that bad about her, she had shot him after all. Yeah she had made a deal, but if she had asked them for help they probably would have helped her, but she had stolen the colt the only weapon he had in order to get Dean back. Still he was fairly sure the guilt wasn't about Bella.

"I want it back Bella, now." a pause where she probably said no in some fancy way.

" You understand how many people are gonna die if you do this?"

" Take the only weapon we have against an army of demons and sell it to the highest bidder. "

" I know I'm gonna stop you."

" Oh, I'll find you, sweetheart. You know why? Because I have absolutely nothing better to do than to track you down. " he was wrong they were about to be arrested and then be seized upon by demons. There they were right on schedule breaking into the room and pointing their guns at Memory Sam and Dean. Memory Sam put his hands up. A police officer shouted.

"Hands in the air!" another one added.

"Down on your knees."

"That bitch!" Dean voice said from someone behind him.

" Turn around! Now! " Sam heard a police officer say probably to Dean and saw Memory Sam being forced to lie down on the floor.

" Sam and Dean Winchester, you have the right to remain silent." a police officer started and then a pair of shoes started walking towards them, memory Sam looked at Dean and then memory Sam looked up. Somewhere in the background Sam noted that the police officer was still reading them their rights. " Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney and have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be appointed for you at government expense."

Of course his attention was drawn to the new man in the room Henriksen. Of course it was Henriken. Of course he was the one he felt guilt about. Agent Hendricksen had just been doing his job, and pulled the short stick of having to be the one to go after him. He had been a great FBI agent, when he had caught them he knew what they were capable of and how to hold them. If demons hadn't come to kill them, they would have gone to prison.

"Hi guys… It's been a while." Not just him though, it was Nancy and all the other cops. They thought they had found a way for all of them to be safe, but Lilith had come and killed them. Ruby had had a plan ...no he couldn't' think about that it probably wouldn't have even worked. Ruby had been a lair.

The scene was changing and Sam let a long breath of air when he saw where he was and who was in the room with him. It was him pointing his gun at Cas, of course he hadn't know that he was an angel at the moment, so he didn't know his gun wouldn't do him any good. It was the first time he had seen an angel.

"Sam! Sam, wait! It's Castiel. The angel." Dean told him and memory Sam lowered his gun. He been so happy to see an angel, so certain they were righteous and loving.

"Him, I don't know." that when he had looked to Uriel who was by the window. Memory Sam smiled and looked at Cas in awe. He had prayed every day for years, he had so hoped that the angels were good guys instead of being douches. Except Cas ...Cas had fought by their side maybe more because of Dean then him but, he had still fought by their side

"Hello Sam." He had still risked his life to get Dean and Sam to past to save their lives. He had died for giving Dean 5 minutes to talk to him, during which he managed to overpower Lucifer and jump in, without Cas he would never have to been able to do it, to trap Lucifer in the cage. Another death that was his fault yet again.

"Oh my God- er- uh- I didn't mean to- sorry. It's an honor, really, I- I've heard a lot about you. " Sam smiled slightly he wished, that he could have maintained that awe for longer Memory Sam stepped forward hand extended to shake Cas's hand.. Cas who at the time had even less of of a sense of understanding of humans back then looked at his hand totally clueless. Memory Sam shook his hand some and Cas put his hand in Sam's."

"And I, you. Sam Winchester-" None of it had probably been good. "The boy with the demon blood. " Cas said Sam and his old self winced in unison. "Glad to see you've ceased your extracurricular activities." if only he hadn't picked it back up again.

"Let's keep it that way." Uriel said still facing the window. Sam laughed they had wanted to they had wanted him to kill Lilith and break Lucifer out of the cage. The scene changed again to a set of stairs.

No. He knew this stairs, he had played on them, run up and down them many times as a kid, his view of the stairs was obscured by a pair of jeans. He was hiding behind Dean, he remembered this had been new house and he wanted to make sure that Dean could protect him. His Dad knocked on the door and Sam saw his little self gripping the back of Dean's jeans for his life. After a few minutes the door answered.

"John how the hell are you?" Bobby voice rang out through the junkyard. Bobby who Lucifer had killed in his body. Bobby who had been a surrogate father to him and had always managed to keep all of them together. Bobby who was dead now because he hadn't been strong enough to take control right away. He and Cas would both still be alive if it weren't for him.

"Good Bobby, these are my boys Dean and... somewhere behind him is Sam."

"Hello sir." Dean said little Sam didn't say anything and just held fast to his brothers jeans. This had been not long after he had found out about the supernatural, he had been pretty scared then almost all the time. Sam he had been allowed to be afraid back then, a year later when he had told his dad he was afraid of the dark he had given him a .45. These thoughts were knocked out his head when Dean had moved forwards to go into the house and he shifted just enough that Sam had caught a glance of Bobby's face. It was even worse then seeing his face, was seeing his neck knowing how Lucifer had snapped it. His little self followed Dean closely and he saw an even better view of him.

Scene change again he wondered where he was heading now. Who else did he cause the death of...When the scene resettled in a kitchen, he gasped he knew this kitchen and he saw memory Sam up against a wall a wave of fire coming towards him. In the background he could hear Dean calling his name in panic.

"Mom." he couldn't stop himself from saying it, even though he knew that his mom couldn't hear him and that this was just a memory. Suddenly he could see Dean pointing his gun at his mom. Memory Sam said

" No, don't! Don't! "

"What, why? " Dean said.

" Because I know who it is. I can see her now." the fire went away and they could see their mother standing right in front of them. Dean had lowered his gun and memory Sam and Dean were both starring at their Mom. Sam couldn't see Dean eyes but, he could tell from the tone of his voice when he said Mom how he was feeling. Dean had missed Mom for years, and had gone after the yellow-eyed demon for years for revenge against it killing her. Their Mom had come smiling up to Dean and Sam's eyes weren't focused on himself or his brother anymore but on their Mom.

"Dean." her voice said, then she had walked past to him. He didn't spare even a glance at himself, he had known what he had been feeling back then. This had been the first time he had seen her other then in a picture and the only time she had known she was her son the whole time. He had always wondered what it would have been like to have a mother, the best thing he had to a mother had been Dean who did a great job but still wasn't his mother.

"Sam." she said then her smile faded "I'm sorry."

"For what?" he heard his voice ask, but he knew that answer to that question now. The only words he could ever remember her saying was I'm sorry. He hadn't understood then, it had taken 3 more years and Deans trip to the past to understand what she was apologizing for. She was apologizing for agreeing to let the demon in their house and feed his blood to him. She hadn't known at the time that's was what she was agreeing to but, she had known then. Part of Sam wanted to hate her it for it, for making the deal that had saved Dad's life, but had doomed Dean and himself to their lives. He and Dean had both told their mom in the past that they were okay with not being born. She had just lost her parents and the love of her life, she had had the chance to get their Dad back. If he had had the chance to get back Jess without selling his soul he would have in an instant. To get Dean back he would have done anything, anything to get Dean back. Sam saw her walk away and look up at the ceiling.

" You get out of my house. And let go of my son." she burst into flames again and shot for the ceiling and disappeared. The scene changed again to another motel. The light flicked on and their Dad turned around from facing the window and smiled at them. Memory Sam and Dean had stood there looking stunned.

"Dad?" Sam swallowed hard, he hadn't seen his dad in 4 years before Sam fell into the cage. He wished he hadn't spent so much of his life fighting with his Dad, needing a reason and not just being able to trust what his Dad said just because it was their dad. But like Dean said it was too little too late. His father was just a memory he couldn't really see him. all he could see was the Sam of his day.

" Hey, boys." their dad said. Memory Sam just stood there watching sadly as Dean and their Dad walked towards each other sharing a long hug. He had felt envy back then, that Dean and his Dad could just hug like that. Of course his confrontational and stubborn need to be independent had put them on opposite sides of the room. Once Dean and their Dad broke apart Memory Sam came over to them.. His dad smiled at memory Sam.

" Hi, Sam."

"Hey, Dad" Memory Sam said softly.

" Dad, it was a trap. I didn't know, I'm sorry." Dean said. Sam looked to Dean sadly, he always felt guilty about everything that their Dad might have found a mistake in. Dean always wanted to be his father's perfect soldier. He used to hate his father so much, for making Dean grow up so fast, for making feel like he had give up everything to protect Sam, especially when that devotion caused Dean to sell his soul for him. Maybe Dad could have changed it, but he had been trying to do the best in the sticky situation he was in.

" It's all right. I thought it might've been." Said their Dad

" Were you there?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, I got there just in time to see the girl take the swan dive. She was the bad guy, right?"

"Yes, sir." Dean and Memory Sam said,

"Good. Well, it doesn't surprise me. It's tried to stop me before. " said John. Did Dad know? Know about the demons plans for him? Probably. Did he just know that Azazel had wanted him in his army of psychics or he had he known the whole truth. Probably not, because if he had he would have know that Dean and Sam were both important pieces in that game of chess.

"The demon has?" asked Memory Sam.

"It knows I'm close. It knows I'm gonna kill it. Not just exorcise it or send it back to hell—actually kill it." John said.

" How?" their Dad smiled. The colt Sam filled in for himself.

" I'm workin' on that."

The scene changed to a coffee shop, Sam looked at memory Sam who was drinking coffee and looking anxious. Sam searched his memories, he knew this coffee shop, it was a coffee shop on campus that he had gone to a lot, it didn't take him long before he came up with the answer he had met Jess here. Just as he realized this Jess came into his view wearing a a blue t-shirt and jeans. He gasped, he couldn't help it, the last time he had seen her was when she was in his dream as Lucifer and before that in his dreams dying but, her just her as she was he hadn't seen her in five years. She came over to him smiling and Sam just starred at her. She was so beautiful and she made his grief for her increase in a way it hadn't, since she had barely died. He hoped that Jess was in heaven, she deserved being there safe, she was a good women and only her association with him could bring her down here.

"Are you Sam?" Jess asked that broke him out of his thoughts. She was smiling and Sam couldn't help help but stare at her. Memory Sam managed much better then he did and said

"Yeah and you must be Jess." she sat down across him and Sam could tell that she was subtlety checking him out, a lot more subtlety then memory Sam was checking her out. He remembered he had been thanking Brady at this point. He remembered Brady had been trying to get them to meet each other for weeks, but he had been against being set up but eventually Brady had managed to talk him into it. Sam scowled at the thought of Brady, even though he knew there was nothing he could do against him now, he had been happy to kill him he had been demon.

There's more, I'm sure there's more, but I thought I'd just hit the main ones. Please review and tell me what you think


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